Dietician

Went to the dietician with dad this morning and i'm a bit more at ease:

She said that they keep people within the 90% median BMI (or something along those lines :/) which basically means a BMI but taking into account the age which for me = 48.9kg = BMI 18.2

However thats min ! The max tram line is 2 kg above which is therefore 50.9kg  and most people get their periods back between those tram lines (fingers crossed :S)

And they keep us at that for 7MONTHS! Wahoo - I'm happy because I know I won't be heavier than that for a long while ! - Hopefully never !

And I'll be able to exercise - hopefully getting my body under control and getting more toned up ! 
Lets hope it all works out !

Bikinis :@

I'm feeling better today - i think cause I got out and went shopping with a friend who's just moved here,

but I feel I should stop going on social networking sites now because all my friends keep posting pictures of them in bikinis and they all look so fucking thin :@:@:@:@

And it makes me upset :'(

I want to be like them but feel I never can because I AM bigger than all of them I KNOW I am but no-one will admit it - I am just praying that my periods will come back soon because I will NOT go back

WILL NOT
WILL NOT
WILL NOT !

Please come back - I don't want to gain anymore :/

But other than that : a good day :L

x

My Climb

One Day

God I'm sorry my posts are so depressing :/ I'm just trying to express how I feel so I can figure out how to change my thoughts but its not really working

I hope tha I know that some day I'll be able to look at this blog and think

'wow thats depressing I'm so glad I'm out of that and that I don't think like that anymore !' 

^ one day I WILL say that !

x

Well...

I went to see my therapist yesterday and goodish news:
I'm 48.3kg = BMI 18 ! I'm clear - well not really (hopefully when we see the dietician on friday she'll let me do some exercise :/ fingers crossed) I'm not out of the woods till my periods come back really
PLEASE COME BACK NOW ! I really don't want to have to go back up again :(

I've been quite depressed lately because a few of my friends have posted pictures on fb of them in bikinis and it just makes me think - WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT?

I've been beginning to think that its just impossible to be thin and healthy - for me anyway because of my body shape - I can't live with that

My therapist said that its like a massive choice in my brain and it is, its either:

Be healthy and have periods (i.e. able to have children) and be unhappy and fat

or be thin and love my body - but no periods and be quite unhealthy (maybe even die) ??

But i said its not really a choice because as much as I've tried my mum won't let me do the second option so i've just got to live with being fat- which i don't actually think I can do

I have had thoughts that if I can't be thin and how I want then I'll just be unhappy all the time, and therefore a nusence to everyone so I should just not be here at all
- No-one wants a fat child or a fat girlfriend/wife do they ?

x