Dietician

Went to the dietician with dad this morning and i'm a bit more at ease:

She said that they keep people within the 90% median BMI (or something along those lines :/) which basically means a BMI but taking into account the age which for me = 48.9kg = BMI 18.2

However thats min ! The max tram line is 2 kg above which is therefore 50.9kg  and most people get their periods back between those tram lines (fingers crossed :S)

And they keep us at that for 7MONTHS! Wahoo - I'm happy because I know I won't be heavier than that for a long while ! - Hopefully never !

And I'll be able to exercise - hopefully getting my body under control and getting more toned up ! 
Lets hope it all works out !

Bikinis :@

I'm feeling better today - i think cause I got out and went shopping with a friend who's just moved here,

but I feel I should stop going on social networking sites now because all my friends keep posting pictures of them in bikinis and they all look so fucking thin :@:@:@:@

And it makes me upset :'(

I want to be like them but feel I never can because I AM bigger than all of them I KNOW I am but no-one will admit it - I am just praying that my periods will come back soon because I will NOT go back

WILL NOT
WILL NOT
WILL NOT !

Please come back - I don't want to gain anymore :/

But other than that : a good day :L

x

My Climb

One Day

God I'm sorry my posts are so depressing :/ I'm just trying to express how I feel so I can figure out how to change my thoughts but its not really working

I hope tha I know that some day I'll be able to look at this blog and think

'wow thats depressing I'm so glad I'm out of that and that I don't think like that anymore !' 

^ one day I WILL say that !

x

Well...

I went to see my therapist yesterday and goodish news:
I'm 48.3kg = BMI 18 ! I'm clear - well not really (hopefully when we see the dietician on friday she'll let me do some exercise :/ fingers crossed) I'm not out of the woods till my periods come back really
PLEASE COME BACK NOW ! I really don't want to have to go back up again :(

I've been quite depressed lately because a few of my friends have posted pictures on fb of them in bikinis and it just makes me think - WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT?

I've been beginning to think that its just impossible to be thin and healthy - for me anyway because of my body shape - I can't live with that

My therapist said that its like a massive choice in my brain and it is, its either:

Be healthy and have periods (i.e. able to have children) and be unhappy and fat

or be thin and love my body - but no periods and be quite unhealthy (maybe even die) ??

But i said its not really a choice because as much as I've tried my mum won't let me do the second option so i've just got to live with being fat- which i don't actually think I can do

I have had thoughts that if I can't be thin and how I want then I'll just be unhappy all the time, and therefore a nusence to everyone so I should just not be here at all
- No-one wants a fat child or a fat girlfriend/wife do they ?

x

Holiday

It was very needed ! VERY ! However the first couple of days were crap - i couldn't relax nothing was going to my plans and i felt fat - we went to the beach and I couldn't handle it (all those skinny tanned people on the beach) - and we met up with a mums friend so i had no-one to talk to or anything and we went to a restaurant where a group of teenish girls came in all wearing crop tops - showing off their thin bellys :(

Not fun for me !
I did have one or two REAL breakdowns where I didn't speak to anyone and I felt really upset and almost suicidal (scares the freaking daylight out of me), I felt the same way yesterday in the airport where loads of people were attractive and thin and I felt that I could never be like that because of my body shape ! 

But I did start to relax and enjoy it - alot on a few days - I felt that I looked good and thin and felt that way within myself but realised nobody really cares and I'll most likely never see them again x

:( FAT

I feel just how I used to at the moment

I hate my body
I hate my weight
I hate my face
I hate my stomach
I just hate it all !

I'm not pretty
I'm not fit/peng/trim/ whatever you want to call it --basically attractive
I'm not popular
No-one really cares !

I just have no life really :'(

Not a good mood - I must say!
I had a great last day however - but not looking forward to holiday tomorrow if I'm going to feel this shit ! (btw probs not post in this week cause i'm on holiday and I don't think we have internet)

I just feel that my stomach is bulging massively and it looks really really horrible - and it hasn't felt good in ages ! Its like when i was ill last time - but i'm not ill anymore I feel right as rain !

It's just soo big ! But there's nothing i can do about it ! WHAT DO I DO NOW? eat? NO
How can I - except I find i'm becoming more and mroe hungry now! not very good at all - i am literally eating all the time ! I can no longer stop myself I'm becoming one of those pickers (i.e. people who put on lots of unwanted weight without knowing it) - NOT GOOD !

I'm only 1.5kg under healthy - but still I don't care about weight or BMI or anything:

I CARE ABOUT MY FUCKING FIGURE! I KNOW THAT SOUNDS VAIN AND PATHETIC BELIEVE ME I FEEL LIKE A DICK BEING SO UPSET ABOUT IT - (but that's why I'm writing it in this so that people I know don't have to hear about my patheticness)

I just want to be thin (see  post: what I want to look like!) I feel like I used to - when I was really anorexic and I don't know what to do !
Cause now I feel fat when I've eaten abit, when I've eaten alot - and scarily even when I haven't eaten anything at all for ages? WTF?

HELP ME ! ? x

How am I supposed to feel?

Was watching Bend it like Beckham at school today (do not know why??)
Bloody hell that chick is skinny !

How ??
I mean I look and overall I don't think her body is the most attractive ! But god how the hell does she get that tummy????
Really?

I just feel quite big and disgusting I really regret having chocolate for my snack and I know I haven't gone up in weight and probably need more food than normal (but i do cut out bits normally anyway so lets start by putting them back in ! :/ but its hard ! )

Nearly there

1/2 a day to go ! Woopee ! I think

I feel that i might actually miss school when i leave next year because in all these therapy sessions recently i've discovered that i'm quite sociable ! Never thought that before !

But i like being at school (when i get no homework and the work is easy i.e. end of term :L) because people have to talk to me ! I mean I have loads of friends - people who are nice to me and talk to me - at school! But out of school, its difficult to meet up with them because i'm a pretty average person:

i have 4 best friends who i love to bits and we hang out alot and have amazing laughs !
Great - but I want more than 4 friends ! Not best friends obviously but I want to socialise with other people too so that when they're all busy I can occupy myself with others

I love doing things with loads of people (e.g. break time at school on field with all the girls and boys from our year) but i'll never do that if I have no friends ! I feel like such a larry that only 4 people (other than fam) actually care about me

I want to be popular - but not like movie-popular, just popular in that I will get invited to things and people are around me and hang out with me because they want to and i'm fun to be around not because they have to !

And I may be being big-headed but I'm not a bad person and people do like me boys and girls, but i'm abit of an extra, i'll go with the crowd and i'm not really someone worth knowing and being friends with (or at least thats how I feel <- thats why I feel so unnoticed and there's really not much point in me being here!)

I try and be really nice to people and they like me for that but I don't know how to get onto the popular scale??
I'm trying to organise group events but i feel abit of a prat because i'm sure they've all got better things to do
x

ill

I feel very ill today ! I feel all coldy, and my throat hurts everytime i swallow, i'm bloody starving right now and i had lunch about an hour ago (i had a rice salad and it feels like its just gone right through me) and

I feel very very very very very tired ! Its unreal i was literally asleep for most of yesterday and i still went to bed early and got up late and i still feel like i could just drop and sleep right now
which i think i might actually do ! not too good x :/

REST

OMG i have absolutely nothing to do today ! No homework, home alone :S, no commitments - its bliss !

I have had the most hectic week. But its now over i've just got up and had breakfast but i actually think i may go back to sleep ! No sleep at all this week

Controlled Assessments nearly everyday, play rehearsals everyday for like a month (including 2 sunday rehearsals) wed, thurs and fri I had my play performance, then Midnight showing of new HP movie on thurs then sleepover friday and shopping omg wow !

So i'm now getting my well deserved day of sleep ! But still thought I should post about how the weekend went - I got very consious of what i was eating in the cinema yesterday (went to see it again :L) because i didn't have my morning snack so i could make up for extras in the cinema and that i had loads of icecream the night before -

but the thing that bugged me was my friend who we went with is one of the really slender, thin, toned people i know and really want her tummy ! sounds slightly bizarre but still, so i was also feeling really selfconsious getting changed and eating crap and stuff with her
she eats loads and it doesn't go anywhere ! Its so unfair ! :(

But I think i handled it better than when i'm on my own at least - but i did keeping checking my stomach in windows and mirrors when we went shopping :/ I need to stop that !

Can't wait for summer ! x

Weird :/

So i'm finishing everything today - assessments, after school curriculum (except spanish) and school production and i'm going to best friends tonight and cinema with them tomorrow ! VERY EXCITED ! Well i went to see it last night at 12.01 cause my fam is quite sad but it was awesome ! and i want to see it again tomorrow ! :L

I feel quite weird i woke up late this morning and went into school later so wasn't hungry at breaks and (didn't finish my sandwich) but i'll make it up tomorrow ! :L

I feel like i don't really like my stomach yesterday I hated it cause it was bloody huge but i think i've already posted about that

I don't like it but i'm not REALLY upset about it ! :S i just feel weird - i don't like it x

Everything

Had family therapy today with mum, which was good and i felt alright then - but i've just had chicken and cheese, with peas, sweetcorn and a baked potato with cheese - and i feel so full to the brim and fat and i've got to go to my show in 15 minutes !

I can't go there and face my year people - this girl keeps getting loads of attention from all the boys in every year and it makes me feel like a fly on the wall and really horrible i can't wait till its all over tomorrow night !

I can't tense or breath in cause its just not possible so i'm going to have to go there and get changed ! and perform ! with a full, fat belly sticking out like i'm efing pregnant everywhere i go !

I don't like it ! I feel crap and i can't do anything about it ! I'm sooooo tired but i can't stop i've got to go tonight and be even more tired tomorrow (won't tell you why) and do my 2 controlled assessments and another shitty show then get no sleep at mates sleepover ! i just want to go to sleep right now

x

UUuuggghhh

Well, very busy week atm - got alot going on but we're getting there (first performance tonight and done one assessment this morning just 2 more of both to do) and i'm very excited for the weekend although slightly worried

I'm worried becuase one of my friends (who i'm hanging out with at weekend) - i consider has a perfect stomach (the one i want) and i'm having a sleepover with her and we're going to the cinema where she eats loads! And i have to eat stuff too and may not be able to take it! :S She eats like the same as me maybe even more (and i'm gaining weight !)

I have also been feeling really lousy from monday and usually my mood goes away in the morning but mine hasn't really ! :( and i don't know what to do - i feel fat most of the time and i just want it to go away - but its become less complicated:
in that i see people like my 2 thin friends and just think i want to be like that i want to be thin i don't care about anorexia ! and that is my state of mind and i do believe it ! I do feel it - slightly now in fact

I also went to clinic yesterday and i've gone up .3 meaning i'm now 47kg which is perfect for me becuase i was very worried because i didn't want to go down (like i did the 2 weeks before) but i was scared of going up and facing it - becuase i've noticed i've gained weight around my arms and legs :/ - 
so i didn't go up as much as i should've despite me eating slightly more than i should but i didn't go down
x

Doughnuts :O

Today i brought in a flake to have for my morning snack, but my friend brought in homemade brownies, and i thought ok well i'll have one of those instead - even though i don't know the calories and it might be more, i can eat it cause i lost weight last week so i need to make it up anyway. However I was looking forward to having a yogurt for my afternoon snack and really wanted it, but an amazing person offered me and my mates some doughnuts, and even though i don't like doughnuts i took one (cause i wanted to try it - i had never had a choc filled one before). But then i felt really sick after it, i didn't even finish it and then had to scoff down my mahuusive wrap before the end of break ! I felt really guilty cause i still really wanted that yogurt - in the end i had it anyway but don't feel the best mood about it all x

Re-blog

Who Says ...

Crap!

I had a really good day today, I really had fun (mainly loads of doss lessons) and I really felt like myself with my friends and we joked and had proper laughs and stuff over almost anything, and it really made me enjoy the day cause I love my friends and am now SO EXCITED for next week, because me and two of my best friends are sleeping round and going to the cinema to watch HARRY POTTER & part 2 ! OMG (in case you haven't alread realised - because my role model is Emma Watson and she is incredible - I basically love anything Harry Potter related; and so do my amazing best friends !

However, yesterday i went to see my personal therapist after two weeks of not seeing each other (or being weighed) and our session was good - I think my being thin is sort of cause I want to be a role model to younger people and my new younger fam members, and my role models are my role models because they are slim, toned and pretty and stuff (and other stuff or course) - see post: 'what i want to look like'. So that was good but...

When i was weighed it turns out i've gone down .1 kg ! That doesn't sound bad but it does judging that i should have gained 1.00 kg in the two weeks - so i'm now 46.7kg which is BMI of 17.4 (need to get to 18 which is 48.4kg)

 I'm very upset because my mum is really angry at me because I have been doing a few exercises (crunches and sit-ups and things) but only a few i didn't actually think it would make a difference but obviously it did! So i'm scared that shes mad at me for that ! :S and i'm pretty upset about it now !

x

I feel big again - surprise surprise!

I just don't feel like i'm getting better at all! Things are just boring - i just feel fat all the time and i'm fucking pissed of about it now !

For Gods Sake what do i have to do to get rid of this feeling ! AAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH ! I was tensing it last week and felt great but now its beginning to get harder to do and i can't do  it after i've eaten or i feel sick so thats out !

I don't know what to do really i'm just lost - how do i feel good again

Walked in on sibling watching iCarly yesterday and i thought bloody hell shes so skinny ! I want to be like her ! HOW DO I DO THAT ! I'm scared that it's not possible? or that the doctors or my parents won't let me ?