Dietician

Went to the dietician with dad this morning and i'm a bit more at ease:

She said that they keep people within the 90% median BMI (or something along those lines :/) which basically means a BMI but taking into account the age which for me = 48.9kg = BMI 18.2

However thats min ! The max tram line is 2 kg above which is therefore 50.9kg  and most people get their periods back between those tram lines (fingers crossed :S)

And they keep us at that for 7MONTHS! Wahoo - I'm happy because I know I won't be heavier than that for a long while ! - Hopefully never !

And I'll be able to exercise - hopefully getting my body under control and getting more toned up ! 
Lets hope it all works out !

Bikinis :@

I'm feeling better today - i think cause I got out and went shopping with a friend who's just moved here,

but I feel I should stop going on social networking sites now because all my friends keep posting pictures of them in bikinis and they all look so fucking thin :@:@:@:@

And it makes me upset :'(

I want to be like them but feel I never can because I AM bigger than all of them I KNOW I am but no-one will admit it - I am just praying that my periods will come back soon because I will NOT go back

WILL NOT
WILL NOT
WILL NOT !

Please come back - I don't want to gain anymore :/

But other than that : a good day :L

x

My Climb

One Day

God I'm sorry my posts are so depressing :/ I'm just trying to express how I feel so I can figure out how to change my thoughts but its not really working

I hope tha I know that some day I'll be able to look at this blog and think

'wow thats depressing I'm so glad I'm out of that and that I don't think like that anymore !' 

^ one day I WILL say that !

x

Well...

I went to see my therapist yesterday and goodish news:
I'm 48.3kg = BMI 18 ! I'm clear - well not really (hopefully when we see the dietician on friday she'll let me do some exercise :/ fingers crossed) I'm not out of the woods till my periods come back really
PLEASE COME BACK NOW ! I really don't want to have to go back up again :(

I've been quite depressed lately because a few of my friends have posted pictures on fb of them in bikinis and it just makes me think - WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT?

I've been beginning to think that its just impossible to be thin and healthy - for me anyway because of my body shape - I can't live with that

My therapist said that its like a massive choice in my brain and it is, its either:

Be healthy and have periods (i.e. able to have children) and be unhappy and fat

or be thin and love my body - but no periods and be quite unhealthy (maybe even die) ??

But i said its not really a choice because as much as I've tried my mum won't let me do the second option so i've just got to live with being fat- which i don't actually think I can do

I have had thoughts that if I can't be thin and how I want then I'll just be unhappy all the time, and therefore a nusence to everyone so I should just not be here at all
- No-one wants a fat child or a fat girlfriend/wife do they ?

x

Holiday

It was very needed ! VERY ! However the first couple of days were crap - i couldn't relax nothing was going to my plans and i felt fat - we went to the beach and I couldn't handle it (all those skinny tanned people on the beach) - and we met up with a mums friend so i had no-one to talk to or anything and we went to a restaurant where a group of teenish girls came in all wearing crop tops - showing off their thin bellys :(

Not fun for me !
I did have one or two REAL breakdowns where I didn't speak to anyone and I felt really upset and almost suicidal (scares the freaking daylight out of me), I felt the same way yesterday in the airport where loads of people were attractive and thin and I felt that I could never be like that because of my body shape ! 

But I did start to relax and enjoy it - alot on a few days - I felt that I looked good and thin and felt that way within myself but realised nobody really cares and I'll most likely never see them again x

:( FAT

I feel just how I used to at the moment

I hate my body
I hate my weight
I hate my face
I hate my stomach
I just hate it all !

I'm not pretty
I'm not fit/peng/trim/ whatever you want to call it --basically attractive
I'm not popular
No-one really cares !

I just have no life really :'(

Not a good mood - I must say!
I had a great last day however - but not looking forward to holiday tomorrow if I'm going to feel this shit ! (btw probs not post in this week cause i'm on holiday and I don't think we have internet)

I just feel that my stomach is bulging massively and it looks really really horrible - and it hasn't felt good in ages ! Its like when i was ill last time - but i'm not ill anymore I feel right as rain !

It's just soo big ! But there's nothing i can do about it ! WHAT DO I DO NOW? eat? NO
How can I - except I find i'm becoming more and mroe hungry now! not very good at all - i am literally eating all the time ! I can no longer stop myself I'm becoming one of those pickers (i.e. people who put on lots of unwanted weight without knowing it) - NOT GOOD !

I'm only 1.5kg under healthy - but still I don't care about weight or BMI or anything:

I CARE ABOUT MY FUCKING FIGURE! I KNOW THAT SOUNDS VAIN AND PATHETIC BELIEVE ME I FEEL LIKE A DICK BEING SO UPSET ABOUT IT - (but that's why I'm writing it in this so that people I know don't have to hear about my patheticness)

I just want to be thin (see  post: what I want to look like!) I feel like I used to - when I was really anorexic and I don't know what to do !
Cause now I feel fat when I've eaten abit, when I've eaten alot - and scarily even when I haven't eaten anything at all for ages? WTF?

HELP ME ! ? x

How am I supposed to feel?

Was watching Bend it like Beckham at school today (do not know why??)
Bloody hell that chick is skinny !

How ??
I mean I look and overall I don't think her body is the most attractive ! But god how the hell does she get that tummy????
Really?

I just feel quite big and disgusting I really regret having chocolate for my snack and I know I haven't gone up in weight and probably need more food than normal (but i do cut out bits normally anyway so lets start by putting them back in ! :/ but its hard ! )

Nearly there

1/2 a day to go ! Woopee ! I think

I feel that i might actually miss school when i leave next year because in all these therapy sessions recently i've discovered that i'm quite sociable ! Never thought that before !

But i like being at school (when i get no homework and the work is easy i.e. end of term :L) because people have to talk to me ! I mean I have loads of friends - people who are nice to me and talk to me - at school! But out of school, its difficult to meet up with them because i'm a pretty average person:

i have 4 best friends who i love to bits and we hang out alot and have amazing laughs !
Great - but I want more than 4 friends ! Not best friends obviously but I want to socialise with other people too so that when they're all busy I can occupy myself with others

I love doing things with loads of people (e.g. break time at school on field with all the girls and boys from our year) but i'll never do that if I have no friends ! I feel like such a larry that only 4 people (other than fam) actually care about me

I want to be popular - but not like movie-popular, just popular in that I will get invited to things and people are around me and hang out with me because they want to and i'm fun to be around not because they have to !

And I may be being big-headed but I'm not a bad person and people do like me boys and girls, but i'm abit of an extra, i'll go with the crowd and i'm not really someone worth knowing and being friends with (or at least thats how I feel <- thats why I feel so unnoticed and there's really not much point in me being here!)

I try and be really nice to people and they like me for that but I don't know how to get onto the popular scale??
I'm trying to organise group events but i feel abit of a prat because i'm sure they've all got better things to do
x

ill

I feel very ill today ! I feel all coldy, and my throat hurts everytime i swallow, i'm bloody starving right now and i had lunch about an hour ago (i had a rice salad and it feels like its just gone right through me) and

I feel very very very very very tired ! Its unreal i was literally asleep for most of yesterday and i still went to bed early and got up late and i still feel like i could just drop and sleep right now
which i think i might actually do ! not too good x :/

REST

OMG i have absolutely nothing to do today ! No homework, home alone :S, no commitments - its bliss !

I have had the most hectic week. But its now over i've just got up and had breakfast but i actually think i may go back to sleep ! No sleep at all this week

Controlled Assessments nearly everyday, play rehearsals everyday for like a month (including 2 sunday rehearsals) wed, thurs and fri I had my play performance, then Midnight showing of new HP movie on thurs then sleepover friday and shopping omg wow !

So i'm now getting my well deserved day of sleep ! But still thought I should post about how the weekend went - I got very consious of what i was eating in the cinema yesterday (went to see it again :L) because i didn't have my morning snack so i could make up for extras in the cinema and that i had loads of icecream the night before -

but the thing that bugged me was my friend who we went with is one of the really slender, thin, toned people i know and really want her tummy ! sounds slightly bizarre but still, so i was also feeling really selfconsious getting changed and eating crap and stuff with her
she eats loads and it doesn't go anywhere ! Its so unfair ! :(

But I think i handled it better than when i'm on my own at least - but i did keeping checking my stomach in windows and mirrors when we went shopping :/ I need to stop that !

Can't wait for summer ! x

Weird :/

So i'm finishing everything today - assessments, after school curriculum (except spanish) and school production and i'm going to best friends tonight and cinema with them tomorrow ! VERY EXCITED ! Well i went to see it last night at 12.01 cause my fam is quite sad but it was awesome ! and i want to see it again tomorrow ! :L

I feel quite weird i woke up late this morning and went into school later so wasn't hungry at breaks and (didn't finish my sandwich) but i'll make it up tomorrow ! :L

I feel like i don't really like my stomach yesterday I hated it cause it was bloody huge but i think i've already posted about that

I don't like it but i'm not REALLY upset about it ! :S i just feel weird - i don't like it x

Everything

Had family therapy today with mum, which was good and i felt alright then - but i've just had chicken and cheese, with peas, sweetcorn and a baked potato with cheese - and i feel so full to the brim and fat and i've got to go to my show in 15 minutes !

I can't go there and face my year people - this girl keeps getting loads of attention from all the boys in every year and it makes me feel like a fly on the wall and really horrible i can't wait till its all over tomorrow night !

I can't tense or breath in cause its just not possible so i'm going to have to go there and get changed ! and perform ! with a full, fat belly sticking out like i'm efing pregnant everywhere i go !

I don't like it ! I feel crap and i can't do anything about it ! I'm sooooo tired but i can't stop i've got to go tonight and be even more tired tomorrow (won't tell you why) and do my 2 controlled assessments and another shitty show then get no sleep at mates sleepover ! i just want to go to sleep right now

x

UUuuggghhh

Well, very busy week atm - got alot going on but we're getting there (first performance tonight and done one assessment this morning just 2 more of both to do) and i'm very excited for the weekend although slightly worried

I'm worried becuase one of my friends (who i'm hanging out with at weekend) - i consider has a perfect stomach (the one i want) and i'm having a sleepover with her and we're going to the cinema where she eats loads! And i have to eat stuff too and may not be able to take it! :S She eats like the same as me maybe even more (and i'm gaining weight !)

I have also been feeling really lousy from monday and usually my mood goes away in the morning but mine hasn't really ! :( and i don't know what to do - i feel fat most of the time and i just want it to go away - but its become less complicated:
in that i see people like my 2 thin friends and just think i want to be like that i want to be thin i don't care about anorexia ! and that is my state of mind and i do believe it ! I do feel it - slightly now in fact

I also went to clinic yesterday and i've gone up .3 meaning i'm now 47kg which is perfect for me becuase i was very worried because i didn't want to go down (like i did the 2 weeks before) but i was scared of going up and facing it - becuase i've noticed i've gained weight around my arms and legs :/ - 
so i didn't go up as much as i should've despite me eating slightly more than i should but i didn't go down
x

Doughnuts :O

Today i brought in a flake to have for my morning snack, but my friend brought in homemade brownies, and i thought ok well i'll have one of those instead - even though i don't know the calories and it might be more, i can eat it cause i lost weight last week so i need to make it up anyway. However I was looking forward to having a yogurt for my afternoon snack and really wanted it, but an amazing person offered me and my mates some doughnuts, and even though i don't like doughnuts i took one (cause i wanted to try it - i had never had a choc filled one before). But then i felt really sick after it, i didn't even finish it and then had to scoff down my mahuusive wrap before the end of break ! I felt really guilty cause i still really wanted that yogurt - in the end i had it anyway but don't feel the best mood about it all x

Re-blog

Who Says ...

Crap!

I had a really good day today, I really had fun (mainly loads of doss lessons) and I really felt like myself with my friends and we joked and had proper laughs and stuff over almost anything, and it really made me enjoy the day cause I love my friends and am now SO EXCITED for next week, because me and two of my best friends are sleeping round and going to the cinema to watch HARRY POTTER & part 2 ! OMG (in case you haven't alread realised - because my role model is Emma Watson and she is incredible - I basically love anything Harry Potter related; and so do my amazing best friends !

However, yesterday i went to see my personal therapist after two weeks of not seeing each other (or being weighed) and our session was good - I think my being thin is sort of cause I want to be a role model to younger people and my new younger fam members, and my role models are my role models because they are slim, toned and pretty and stuff (and other stuff or course) - see post: 'what i want to look like'. So that was good but...

When i was weighed it turns out i've gone down .1 kg ! That doesn't sound bad but it does judging that i should have gained 1.00 kg in the two weeks - so i'm now 46.7kg which is BMI of 17.4 (need to get to 18 which is 48.4kg)

 I'm very upset because my mum is really angry at me because I have been doing a few exercises (crunches and sit-ups and things) but only a few i didn't actually think it would make a difference but obviously it did! So i'm scared that shes mad at me for that ! :S and i'm pretty upset about it now !

x

I feel big again - surprise surprise!

I just don't feel like i'm getting better at all! Things are just boring - i just feel fat all the time and i'm fucking pissed of about it now !

For Gods Sake what do i have to do to get rid of this feeling ! AAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH ! I was tensing it last week and felt great but now its beginning to get harder to do and i can't do  it after i've eaten or i feel sick so thats out !

I don't know what to do really i'm just lost - how do i feel good again

Walked in on sibling watching iCarly yesterday and i thought bloody hell shes so skinny ! I want to be like her ! HOW DO I DO THAT ! I'm scared that it's not possible? or that the doctors or my parents won't let me ?

Only feel good in the mornings!

work experience this week - its alright i'm not complaining i basically get up late and don't do much for 7 hours before i come home to no hw - fab

Anyway i've just had a big dinner, and have decided that i basically feel fat all the time from the moment after i have my lunch onwards and it feels - crap!


A family member's just had her second baby today and we're going to see it tomorrow - now she's my role model and honestly if i could just be her i would- she's gorgeous shes young, smart, successful, rich, got a husband who loves her, an amazingly gorgeous toddler and now an amazingly gorgeous baby! Perfect life or what !- not to mention the fact that shes small and pretty and yes - thin ! I've always wanted to be like her and i cannot go and see her tomorrow feeling fat ! I just can't !

How do I not feel like this? Please make it go away I've had ENOUGH !  FUCKING ENOUGH !
NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING STOMACH THIS FUCKING BIG WHY WON'T ANYONE FUCKING LISTEN TO ME \!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH ! :@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@  in case you haven't realised i'm feeling quite shit !

I understand that people (parents and doctors) think its not big - but they don't know what a nice teenage tummy is (cause they don't give a shit nor are they teenagers!) and they're not the ones who have to live with it !
For gods sake I cannot do this anymore ! I'm really unhappy and i don't know what to do ! I sometimes feel like whats the point in me being here? I feel like I don't have a purpose or a reason to be alive cause i'm just not happy and don't know what to do and i've been so unhappy for so long i want to give up

I'm so tired sometimes i just want to die in a hole and stay there - i don't have the energy to get up tomorrow and do this all over again !

Why can't I just be thin ?

Why do I feel like this? Its so annoying - why can't i just be thin? why do people who want to be thin can't and people who don't give a toss just can't no matter how hard they try?

I feel like my tummy sticks out too much and i just want to tone and get rid of it but its always there why won't it fucking go away ! :'( How can people not say its big sometimes?

I know its not 'massive' or 'obese' obviously : i'm anorexic ! But its still not good enough for me i need to change it now ! but no-one will help me :@ Please come back soon periods so everyone will concentrate on helping me be happy rather than healthy ! aaarrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhh

If i'm fat as an anorexic what will I be like healthy?

Reading the girl's blog who I read and found that the post :

'I hate the person who stares back at me in the mirror'

I feel exactly the same way so basicly don't have much to write about atm its all there ! ^

I also hate the fact that i'll be about 18 BMI (if i put on 0.5kg a week) just in time for summer holidays which i'm freaking out about cause i'll be even bigger, and thats when i'll be fatty before i start toning - also i'll be more likely to not do exercise and to eat loads on holiday cause we're going somewhere with friends ! Shit :( I'll be all fat and horrible then i'll be really worried about putting on more weight and i just won't be able to enjoy myself - i'll be like i used to be always worried about gaining it and not eating what i want just what i feel is low calorie and healthy ! :/ Help :'(

I am beautiful , I am gorgeous just the way I am ...

2.55  <-----

Ouch

Well, today I had my last exam for this year which is good except that it was Physics and didn't go well, i've still got an important language assessment before the end of term which i'm freaking about cause i need good grades in that - oh and also I trapped two of my left fingers in a door (where the hinges are) and i have 2 massive black bruised nails - and it really hurts so its quite difficult to be typing atm :S

So not in the best mood

I feel big cause my lunch is still in me and its easy just to cheat cause in a way I like anorexia because its proof that i am thin (ie not just my perspective or people's opinion cause they could be lying)although i seem to be getting all the problems like, being cold, hair falling out but also get the problems with recovering ie hormones and acne and obviously - the gaining weight bit and feeling fat !

i really don't want to gain anymore i want to start toning now ! I mean what good will it do if i get to that weight then start exercising but carry on putting on weight AND THEN put on MORE weight with the muscle i'm making from exercising ???? :@

its annoying not having two of your most used fingers ! so atm i find myself incapable of doing much unless it involves one hand - don't know how i'm going to eat my dinner tonight ? shit

Have a good weekend people <3

I feel scared about being cured as well because it then means i've got to worry about going up again but i try to think that with good health comes exercise and exercise will get me that dream body - but deep down i don't want to be cured

because i'll have to worry about being too big (even though i worry about it anyway :S) and then i won't have an excuse to eat more and more

was told today that my healthy weight would be BMI of 20 ! no way ! which translates to 8st 7lbs which isn't bad however, before, I was 9st and i was sooooo unhappy that was when i started acting on my feelings and actually doing something productive to get rid of that feeling and 8st 7 is close to 9st and i can't go back to that again !

PERIODS PLEASE COME BACK SOON ! PLEASE ! x

Sports Day

Ok so today went well - i felt really good i look nice in the pictures we took and i tensed most of the day and its starting to be more comfortable but

Always a but
I came home at 5.30 and had my snack and i'm bloody stuffed and we're having tea - but i mean my nice, thin, easy-to-tense-and-get-my-dream-body feeling is gone ! and I'm very upset !

I physically can't get it atm cause i'm stuffed so i'm worried about eating in public now cause then i'll have that fat feeling and won't be able to change it!

(btw i went up .8 kg today which is great yh but more that i'm meant to and i'm worried it will keep going up like that and i don't see the dietician till like late July and i only need like 2kgs left so i'll go up loads ! - but if it goes up the same next week i'm going to ring her and cut down - i refuse to go back to the way i was or I think i might actually die- sounds drastic but i fear if i have to be like that again i'm going to be permantly depressed and I don't want to know what i'm capable of) x

Disgusting

I'm so disgusting ! Its ridiculous i sit down and everything just clumps - maybe that happens in a normal person <<<--- emphasise on the 'normal' i.e not anorexic - but its not what I want to be !!!!!!!! Its just not ! How do i get that? I don't want to gain any weight I feel bloated and shit and fat - i was feeling horrible in pe today watching my friend who has an amazing tummy - just naturally but with a nice tummy - i can only get that when i tense its ridiculous - i had an amazing weekend why can't i stay like that? I really don't want to get fat and i need to have this stomach i want - i will not give up !

Happy Father's Day

Well, I felt great this morning - i mean really good
I've found I can get my dream body again which i'm so relieved about even though it's not natural (i mean I have to tense my tummy to get it but even so its there ! It wasn't last week cause i was ill :S)

So on my quest to get it I've decided I've just got to put on weight there's no point in fighting it any longer because its just going to get worse - but i am having blips alot more often which i'm not looking forward to but mother and father say I've just got to go through them!

Well I am still worried for tuesday but at least I can get it - i'm trying to tense as often as possible so I get used to that and it would become more natural and more comfortable - only i'm worried about eating then :S do i have whats there? (maybe i can share a burger with someone - will my friends think i'm trying to cheat - only they are beastly burgers :/) or do i bring a packed lunch? <-- got back into bagels again with ham and cream cheese but the one i had today made me feel bad and fat so i'm not sure its a good idea to have one on tuesday :S

Being fathers day we were going to go out for dinner, but everywheres fully booked, so we're ordering a curry ! Shit; not good; panic everywhere ! I should be alright because we're at home, but still :S Just had my afternoon snack and i'm feeling quite fat now let alone after a bloody curry uh oh :S

Not much to say - haven't had a blip this weekend (apart from friday) so feeling good bring on tomorrow - will probably have one - i mean just being a monday doesn't have a good effect on me tbh

Happy Father's Day Everyone
x

Amazing what a song can do

I feel, much better today and I think I know the reason (tap nose) I still feel fat and horrible most of the time, but today i did feel some thin moments which i haven't for ages (over a week) which i'm thrilled about -  i think the reason was i was abit ill so, my stomach felt weird and the food kept building up because mum said your not supposed to eat when ill, but i can't afford to atm
Had a nice lazy day on my own which was lovely so didn't go to the school fair 
Worried about sports day on tues :S but also can't wait to see my therapist on tuesday because i need to tell her about everything thats happened this week to see if she can help me

Also i hope i've gone up this week because i've decided that as much as i want to fight it i need to gain weight before i can do any exercise or anything to get my dream bod so wish me luck , Daddy's day tomorrow - might be going out for tea :/ :S uh oh - lets hope i'm alright and that no thin, girls will be there then i'll be fine :L

fingers crossed x

Giving up

Well, i haven't felt good about my body / thin at all for the past week or 2 and i'm getting very worried and scared that thats it now ! I'm not going to be thin ! I'M NOT why do people keep saying it they haven't even seen my body ! For gods sake ! :@ I bet if I show them they won't think that anymore !

My mum says because she doesn't want to admit that i'm right ! My dad doesn't know what fat is in a teenage girl - Its so annoying !

I admit i used  to be thin and i did feel that sometimes at least - sometimes i had little moments where i felt fat or full but it could literally be 1 minute later i would feel differently !

Now, I just feel fat ALL THE TIME and i don't know what to do.
I see people with really nice figures and before i wished i had a flat and toned stomach but now i'd gladly have what i had before so i didn't have to feel this shit !

I am fat ! My stomach is massive ! And won't ever go down - it used to be big after i'd eaten - now its big all the time ! PLEASE GO AWAY ! OR AT LEAST TELL HOW ! My mind is in the mode where I would actually do anything ! 

: ANYTHING !

I just don't know what that anything is that will work ! And no-one will let me try ! I'm so depressed - Everything's happened that i'm scared of - i now don't want to go anywhere, do anything or see anyone because i feel WAY too self-consious ! I don't give a shit about eating in fact its all getting easier and i find that i'm hungry even after i've eaten !

Whats wrong with me - please somebody HELP !

They've ruined me now ! Everything I was afraid would happen has now happened, I feel utterly shit and want to give up - i'm now actually thinking whats the point, I feel that i have no purpose - i only have my really close friends no one else cares, my parents just care about my health not my feelings and the people i go to see only see that i'm anorexic they don't know what my stomach looks like because i only ever go there in school uniform ! Wtf 

x Help Please x

Not feeling too good

I'm going through a rough patch and for the past week or two i haven't felt good about my body (feel normal and thin) once and i'm starting to get worried ! - I was ill for a couple of days , but not badly ill like sick ! But i felt pains in my stomach and i've felt massive and full all the time for the past week and not once - not even in the morning - has it gone down !? :S

Sticking out and rolling over

I was off ill today from school, and both my parents have gone to work so i went back to sleep for a while, did my hw and coursework but then i had my blip

- I've had one everyday for like a week now ! :S i'm starting to get worried !

I was getting changed to go down to rehearsal and when deciding what to where my stomach stuck out and when i sat down it went over my jeans??? <-- not good ! and its not just perspective it went OVER my jeans - not hugely i admit but still stuck out and i know several people whos bellys DON'T !

:@ Arrrrrggggggh ! What do i do????

Difficulty!

I feel the longer this goes on the harder its getting. I'm getting more blips and their just as emotional and intense as they used to be only i'm not doing them on my own now and they're about more in-depth thoughts now - i can't decide if thats good or bad??

Don't want to be how i used to be....

I came home ill from school today at about 11, because I was feeling weird and was soooo tired and had a bad headache ! (i've figured out that i get one when i get wound up about my stomach and get upset)

I went straight to sleep when i got home after watching casualty with my mum, and did some homework and sunbathed abit -

I was looking at my mums photos on the computer to see which photo i could use for a fathers day present and I was horrified ! Don't think i've ever been so disgusted ! i refuse to believe it was my eyes playing up - i can believe it when i'm in the mode and looking in a wide mirror for example but not photos.

I was huge (my stomach really did look pregnant most of the time <- seriously) i'm not just saying that i am not happy about being that again - in fact i WILL NOT be that again - i wasn't overweight but i was no where near fit and toned ! It is scary ridiculous but my mum refuses to believe it (we've just had an emotional argument on it so i didn't show her the photos but i will and no way she can deny i looked big - or i will know shes lying to me!

I know she won't lie to me but she'll twist what she says so that its to do with health and that i should eat to be healthier - which i know - but she doesn't think about other people and their images and stuff i want - shes 48 for god's sake she doesn't know what a teenager should be like - but i do! I see it everyday at school, on facebook on TV and can't get away from it and theres no point trying to because that would consist of lying in bed all day in a window blocked room doing nothing - seriously not even reading a book - because i'll start imagining things!

I will not be like that again ! I just won't ! But thats fine i'm alright with being 8st (BMI = 19) i can make my peace with that but not 9st like i was thats just horrible (just no)

I also feel really agitated and excited to start yoga (mum bought a book on anorexia and it recommended yoga for a relaxing and toning technique! YAY proof to them that it will help me - however they will think that it will relax me i want to do it purely for the toning side of things). I know i can't until i'm a BMI of 18 (17 atm not long now ;D) but i can't wait to get started because its my only hope left i can think of. It also makes loads of sense cause all the celebs do yoga i don't know why i didn't think of it before - i just want to get started because the sooner i do the sooner i will get this tum i want (or at least close to it!)

x

Another Day

Went to see my CBT (Cognative Behavioral Techniques) phyciatrist today, who i love x

She weighed me and i'm 46kg which is .3 less than i was last week :S (tbh i'm secretly proud - i know i shouldn't be but i am)

After yesterday i am now obsessed with Enrique Iglesias <3 (just thought i'd mention)

We have a school fete on the weekend and sports day next week and i really want to feel good and slim (if not the fete definitely sports day) I just have to! Every year for 4 years i've felt fat and not good enough on sports day and i really wanted this year to be different (fat chance) i'll probably end up feeling worse!

Ever since this meal plan started i've felt worse than i did then - i've uncovered feelings i didn't know i was feeling <-- bad ones ! definitely not the point in all this - wasn't it to make me feel better????

I don't know i've just had some spaghetti bolognase and i feel absolutely stuffed - its not possible to fit anything else in ! I think my mum put extra on (in fact i know she did) because I went down this week so shes going to be on my case 24/7 ! Shit :(

She bought this book about anorexia and i'm reading the body section (don't care about anything else) and its saying about all the thoughts and shizz going on and how its not true and stuff - but i still believe it ! Its soooo annoying.

I feel that on the one hand i'm a size 6/XS on most of my clothes and all my old ones don't fit me and stuff which i should believe but on the other hand my eyes are bloody realistic at least because i still feel fat ! And i'm blatently not that skinny cause i can't feel my bones nearly as much - so i don't get why they won't let me exercise - at least yoga or something <-- atm its my only idea left i haven't tried to get my dream tum

Had a shower today and looked in the mirror and came to the conclusion that i love with all my heart everything else about my body ITS JUST THE F****** STOMACH! :@:@:@ I don't know really - i want this more than anything else in the world atm how do i get it God ? HOW?

Or how do other people get it? I want a way, a method, an answer - not even proffesionals will tell me !? Wtf ? x

I know what i want....

...I've posted pictures of what i want to be like, and i can get it - when i tense up

This is yh great but i want to be able to do it naturally and come on no-one can tense their tummy all the time seriously - so i want to get my stomach like that naturally

so its flat and strong when i stand up and its rolls in and toned when i sit down - with little tiny rolls (i know everyone has rolls and fat when they sit down - i can except that) but i want nice ones not one massive blob sitting there like i have now

My parents (mum especially) are going to kill me when she finds out i've cheated so much i didn't have my mid-morning snack this morning and i've told my dad i've had all my milk :S I have to tell them cause they'll find out anyway when i get weighed and then they won't trust me with anything and if i don't tell them or admit to it they will think its natural and then add even more onto my meal plan ! - I'm in deep shit basically :S

Its not normal

Had breakfast 3 hours ago - i feel fat and bloated and i haven't even had my mid-morning snack yet (probably won't tbh)

Don't really want to speak to my dad about it cause its nothing he hasn't heard before and my sibling's ill, so he can't really help me much and i don't want to take attention away cause my sibling needs it right now

I just feel not too good, cause my belly is sticking out horribly, it feels stretched and i feel fat, but now i'm starting to feel hungry (euughhhhh its just so annoying - i feel hungry when i'm not supposed to and i feel fat most of the time which then puts me in a bad mood i can't get out of)

I really don't want to feel like this tomorrow cause i'm supposed to be going down to London to see my mum and her friend with her two daughters and we're going to the Capital FM Summertime Ball! Excitement is high, but so is my worries and fatty feeling :(

And i currently have no way to prevent it apart from not eating ! What do I do ??

x

Feeling fat, fat, fat

Last night i felt quite fat and horrible around the tummy area

I've also been cheating alot this week since i found out i put on a kilo in two weeks (i know thats good and that's what i'm supposed to be doing - but i still don't really like the feel of it) i also keep cheating when my stomach feels big.

I just want this toned tummy Why is that so difficult?

I know i'm not fat and my stomach is fine ! <--- Fine i hate that word, i don't want fine - i want 'fit' 'toned' 'bloody damn gorgeous' and people get it , i've seen it (even at my age) so thats what i want to achieve !

I don't really think anyone gets that - i want them to know so after i'm a healthy weight i can try and get it

Cause they say i just need to get to a healthy weight before i can excersise and stuff which is fine - but i get the impression they're just making me put on weight till i'm at least a BMI of 18 and my periods come back but after that they'll just monitor me and let me do what i like (as long as i'm not losing it) which is where i was before!

I want someone to tell me exactly HOW i can get a toned, fit stomach and nice, slim body - i'm fed up now - 1 and 1/2 years is long enough - but i can't give up - i just can't think of any other way to get it that i haven't already tried !

It's Friday !

Today went quite well, - I had no blips or downs anyway (i mean... it's Friday!)

I did my second maths GCSE test in the morning for 2 hours - I found it hard but its over now so 'what's done is done' i guess Lol x :L <--- I love how i actually laugh now - i went through a stage in when i didn't at all !

I'm feeling full now (i have just had dinner) and just had a shower so felt abit insecure and big but i'm trying to put it out of my mind

I went to town with my 3 best friends today and it was good fun - we're a very VERY sarcastic bunch :L
But i was talking to one of them on the way home (cause we left early - she needs to do other revision, I just wanted to eat dinner at home cause it would be less stressful than in a restaurant). Anyway I explained to her about PE and stuff and I don't know whether she understands fully but it still felt good to get it out.

I bought a bikini today (which is surprising) - i feel pathetic but i'm trying my hardest to be like the people i posted earlier in 'what i want to be like...' so i decided to treat myself to a new bikini which is a white and purpley striped halter neck (or can be strapless - but my womenly features aren't ready for that yet :L)

So all in all a good day - mums away but she's home on sunday so very excited about that cause i haven't seen her since monday (which is one of the longest she's been away), however daddy was home today so i'm just about to close down my blogging and revision to have my milk and night snack and sit down with him for abit

x Nighty Night x

PE

Today I sort of burst out crying, at the end of PE, I feel really pathetic thinking this but those girls are so skinny

I just feel frustrated that I still feel they're thinner and more toned than me - but I'm the one who's anorexic ???

How does that happen ?

What else do I have to do !?

I love them all they are the nicest people you could meet, but i feel so jealous sometimes that they can have the perfect body I want without realising !

What I want to look like ...

I feel abnormal!

I know its always the same old nonsense about my stomach and that its too big - but i can't get away from it and i don't know what to do - I cheated on my meal plan ( i didn't have my afternoon snack yesterday or today and skipped my lunch and had it (which wasn't weight properly) when i got home from school and i didn't have my fruit juice with breakfast this morning ). I am now 46.3 kg which is 7st 4.1 lbs (102.1 lbs) I don't really know how i feel on this. I don't like it really i don't like the feeling that i'm gaining weight because i'm still in this mind set that my tummy is fat and the more weight i gain everywhere else the less skinny i look so my stomach will look worse

What do i do now?

I will talk to my dad when he gets home from work but what can he do? All he's going to do is tell me i'm not fat and not to think that and it does help abit to be reassured but i won't change my mind

I always get the feeling that my friends and family only tell me its not fat because they are worried if they tell me the truth that i'll become bulimic or just rebel and not eat anything and that they are thinking about my health (which obviously I appreciate) but thats their main focus mine is looking good.

I know that sounds really pathetic and i think so too but its just how I feel and how i've felt for so long now that i'm fed up and tired and its just enough now i need this bloody tummy to go away and away forever !

4th May 2011

I'm in bed now reading my Jack Wills handbook and there's a picture of a girl in a bikini with my dream body (tummy)! I'm feeling quite sick, in my stomach and i'm crying. Because I really don't understand why I can't get it! How come other people can? And not just airbrushed magazines but people I actually know and see (my eyes cannot be airbrushed) I keep seeing it everywhere and its so not fair! Its bloody frustrating - i've tried everything i can think of in the past year - year and half (when this all started). I've tried eating less, exercising more, both, different exercises e.g tkd, punch bag, jogging, trampolining, wii fit, netball, pe, and more, i've tried eating at different times, eating different foods, e.g low calorie, high protein, high energy, etc I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I cannot believe even when i'm fucking anorexic i still feel bloody fat. I know i'm not fat obviously but i'm still not happy with my stomach cause its not how it should be and i'm not prepared to accept that i can't get it i won't ! I want it so badly i'll do anything - seriously anything ! I want to look good in a bikini or a fitted top etc, and not feel self consious but i just want to look good and thin and toned and healthy. I want to be fit and attractive teenager but I just don't know how!

26 April 2011

I miss my mummy and family - I feel really alone. I looked good this morning (before breakfast) but obviously after breakfast I feel all fat and bloated again. I didn't have the toast I was meant to on my meal plan because its too difficult and I weight myself this morning and i'm 7st! thats 6 pounds in one week! Thats good obviously but I still don't rally want to get much bigger now. I want to be 7.7 I really don't want to have to go past that but they will make me go up to a BMI of 20 if i don't get my periods back : 20 !! I can't do that - i refuse to go up past 8st I'm serious! Please God let them come back before then! I've spoken to mum on msn and she says its medicin biut I'm looking in the mirror right now sitting on my bed and I'm SO ANGRY ! My spine sticks out and hurts really badly but my f****** stomach sticks out like i'm pregnant and its not supposed to! I know this because one of my best friends who I adore eats more than I do on my meal plan (which is loads) and has no stomach whatsoever ! HOW ?! I feel so disgusting and ever since i've been on this diet plan i've been feeling worse - either fatter, sick or hungry because my body isn't used to so much crappy food.

25th April 2011

Just got back from Cornwall today (school tomorrow) I feel very fat and very sick! I feel incapable of doing this meal plan till thursday serious just can't - mums gone to Dubai and dads at work tomorrow I feel so upset. I've gone up 4 pounds which is obviously great and i agree! I do! but I still feel my tummy is FUCKING HUGE ! Please make it stop! I can't take it PLEASE. I also feel really sick (and I've got bloody dinner in 20 minutes). All I want to do is cry! I've noticed my legs getting bigger which is good cause they were like sticks but its also happening abit too fast for my liking and i'm worried now its started coming on it won't stop like when I was losing it :S

16th April 2011 - My diagnosis

It's 9.40 and I've had quite a big bowl of cornflakes. Won't be going to taekwondoe today because we went to the adolescent unit and they diagnosed me with anorexia so they won't let me do any exercise. They said i'm a BMI of 15.9 (42.6kg or 6st 10) and that under 17.5 is anorexic :S. Apart from GCSE PE this is do-able the only thing i'm worried about is that won't eating and no exercise just gain fat? Weight - which is good i guess, but the whole point of this weight loss was to lose fat and flab! I thought that muscle weighs more that fat so wouldn't tkd/punchbag at least be good for me abit to tone out all the weight i'm gaining. I had a big petite filous today (double pot) and feel ok, suns out and also my mums back at 2.30 which i'm excited for. So quite happy and tum feels ordinary not very hungry so quite comfortable now going off for a shower.
When dad and brother got back from tkd, and 1.45 I made some lunch (a big bowl of pasta with philidelphia and cheese sauce and a couple of chorizo sausage chunks. When mum got back I chatted to her about stuff and we thought raisins and almonds would be a good snack (alternative to choc and biscuits all the time). I hate this meal plan! We had a takeaway curry for tea and I had loads of korma (cause mum made me :@) I feel not sick, but very bloated and that my stomach is very big. My minds at ease - i don't feel guilty - but i don't feel proud either. I feel i ate loads today but i guess thats what i need atm.

First Post

I've started reading another girls blog about anorexia, which is more serious than mine, but it has really helped me that other people are experiencing the same feelings, because I'm quite frankly finding it really difficult.


So this is my diary sort of thing to help me express the feelings i have about this experience
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