4th May 2011

I'm in bed now reading my Jack Wills handbook and there's a picture of a girl in a bikini with my dream body (tummy)! I'm feeling quite sick, in my stomach and i'm crying. Because I really don't understand why I can't get it! How come other people can? And not just airbrushed magazines but people I actually know and see (my eyes cannot be airbrushed) I keep seeing it everywhere and its so not fair! Its bloody frustrating - i've tried everything i can think of in the past year - year and half (when this all started). I've tried eating less, exercising more, both, different exercises e.g tkd, punch bag, jogging, trampolining, wii fit, netball, pe, and more, i've tried eating at different times, eating different foods, e.g low calorie, high protein, high energy, etc I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I cannot believe even when i'm fucking anorexic i still feel bloody fat. I know i'm not fat obviously but i'm still not happy with my stomach cause its not how it should be and i'm not prepared to accept that i can't get it i won't ! I want it so badly i'll do anything - seriously anything ! I want to look good in a bikini or a fitted top etc, and not feel self consious but i just want to look good and thin and toned and healthy. I want to be fit and attractive teenager but I just don't know how!