Another Day

Went to see my CBT (Cognative Behavioral Techniques) phyciatrist today, who i love x

She weighed me and i'm 46kg which is .3 less than i was last week :S (tbh i'm secretly proud - i know i shouldn't be but i am)

After yesterday i am now obsessed with Enrique Iglesias <3 (just thought i'd mention)

We have a school fete on the weekend and sports day next week and i really want to feel good and slim (if not the fete definitely sports day) I just have to! Every year for 4 years i've felt fat and not good enough on sports day and i really wanted this year to be different (fat chance) i'll probably end up feeling worse!

Ever since this meal plan started i've felt worse than i did then - i've uncovered feelings i didn't know i was feeling <-- bad ones ! definitely not the point in all this - wasn't it to make me feel better????

I don't know i've just had some spaghetti bolognase and i feel absolutely stuffed - its not possible to fit anything else in ! I think my mum put extra on (in fact i know she did) because I went down this week so shes going to be on my case 24/7 ! Shit :(

She bought this book about anorexia and i'm reading the body section (don't care about anything else) and its saying about all the thoughts and shizz going on and how its not true and stuff - but i still believe it ! Its soooo annoying.

I feel that on the one hand i'm a size 6/XS on most of my clothes and all my old ones don't fit me and stuff which i should believe but on the other hand my eyes are bloody realistic at least because i still feel fat ! And i'm blatently not that skinny cause i can't feel my bones nearly as much - so i don't get why they won't let me exercise - at least yoga or something <-- atm its my only idea left i haven't tried to get my dream tum

Had a shower today and looked in the mirror and came to the conclusion that i love with all my heart everything else about my body ITS JUST THE F****** STOMACH! :@:@:@ I don't know really - i want this more than anything else in the world atm how do i get it God ? HOW?

Or how do other people get it? I want a way, a method, an answer - not even proffesionals will tell me !? Wtf ? x