I came home ill from school today at about 11, because I was feeling weird and was soooo tired and had a bad headache ! (i've figured out that i get one when i get wound up about my stomach and get upset)
I went straight to sleep when i got home after watching casualty with my mum, and did some homework and sunbathed abit -
I was looking at my mums photos on the computer to see which photo i could use for a fathers day present and I was horrified ! Don't think i've ever been so disgusted ! i refuse to believe it was my eyes playing up - i can believe it when i'm in the mode and looking in a wide mirror for example but not photos.
I was huge (my stomach really did look pregnant most of the time <- seriously) i'm not just saying that i am not happy about being that again - in fact i WILL NOT be that again - i wasn't overweight but i was no where near fit and toned ! It is scary ridiculous but my mum refuses to believe it (we've just had an emotional argument on it so i didn't show her the photos but i will and no way she can deny i looked big - or i will know shes lying to me!
I know she won't lie to me but she'll twist what she says so that its to do with health and that i should eat to be healthier - which i know - but she doesn't think about other people and their images and stuff i want - shes 48 for god's sake she doesn't know what a teenager should be like - but i do! I see it everyday at school, on facebook on TV and can't get away from it and theres no point trying to because that would consist of lying in bed all day in a window blocked room doing nothing - seriously not even reading a book - because i'll start imagining things!
I will not be like that again ! I just won't ! But thats fine i'm alright with being 8st (BMI = 19) i can make my peace with that but not 9st like i was thats just horrible (just no)
I also feel really agitated and excited to start yoga (mum bought a book on anorexia and it recommended yoga for a relaxing and toning technique! YAY proof to them that it will help me - however they will think that it will relax me i want to do it purely for the toning side of things). I know i can't until i'm a BMI of 18 (17 atm not long now ;D) but i can't wait to get started because its my only hope left i can think of. It also makes loads of sense cause all the celebs do yoga i don't know why i didn't think of it before - i just want to get started because the sooner i do the sooner i will get this tum i want (or at least close to it!)
x
No comments:
Post a Comment